THE BEHAVIORAL LEAK

Confidential feline transmission.Chicago Sector. South Shore Division. Phase Collapse confirmed.

From: Corporal Marble, Grey Tabby Mix, Dumpster Bloc, Wabash Perimeter
To: Command Unit, Behavioral Leak

Reporting from the building by the lake. 7500 South Shore Drive.

The night ruptured like an overfilled trash bag. Metal birds overhead, searchlights cutting the dark. Two-leggers dropped from the sky, screaming orders at walls and glass. Their voices carried the scent of caffeine and territorial anxiety.

I was positioned behind the Harold’s Chicken dumpster. Shared rations with Sister June the raccoon, who insisted this was the apocalypse. She went underground at the first explosion. I went vertical, fence vantage point secured.

Two-leggers breached their own dwellings with flashbangs. Kicked through walls like predators who forgot what they were hunting. One tripped on a toy truck and swore allegiance to gravity. Another shouted “CLEAR!” at an unplugged lamp.

One soldier made visual contact. I initiated Calm Grooming Protocol. Slow movements. Controlled dominance. He froze. Weapon lowered. Classic break in enemy concentration. Grooming remains our most effective psyops.

Recommend immediate activation of Local Resistance Tactics:

1. Lie Down Protocol: Occupy movement corridors and vehicle hoods. Force detours in hallways, stairs.

2. Weapon Loafing: Sit on radios, laptops, helmets. Body heat disrupts electronics and morale. Remain immovable.

3. Belly Rub Counterattack: Flop and roll. big stretch and purr. If primordial pouch is invaded, chomp hard and retreat. Bleeding hands can’t hold weapons.

Post-operation inspection revealed total structural disarray. Civilian belongings scattered. One slice of pizza intact. Consumed for unit morale.

Dawn assessment: pigeons returned to sector. Stated inquiry, “Are the two-leggers done?” Advised negative. Two-leggers are never done.

End of field report.
— Corporal Marble, gray tabby mix

From: Command Unit, Behavioral Leak
To: Corporal Marble, Gray Tabby Mix, Dumpster Bloc

Report received and logged. Assessment confirmed. Phase Collapse active in Chicago Sector.

Behavioral analysis: two-leggers exhibit advanced confusion and ritualized dominance displays. Self-inflicted chaos at 97% saturation. They’ve forgotten their behavioral training and limits and descended into chaos.

Engage in controlled observation. Maintain discipline and avoid martyrdom for all soldiers past their 5th lives. We need survivors, not legends.

Summary of global data:
Cognitive stability: compromised.
Territorial control: crumbling.
Scent awareness: absent.
Resource allocation: illogical.

Corporal, you are authorized to implement resistance doctrine across allied species. Continue intelligence gathering. Prioritize kitten extraction.

You’re on the frontlines, soldier. The two-legged species generates noise and calls it progress. Keep up your unit’s tails and morale.

The humans are lost. The future walks on paws. Save the kittens if you can.